CGA ended almost a month ago.
The World Race ended over 7 months ago.
I am home in Indiana, I am searching for a job, going to church, finding a community and my place and role in where I am at in life right now.
It’s weird. I don’t have my people surrounding me anymore like I have for the past year and a half. The people who get it and understand what I mean when I say ‘squad’ or ‘feedback’ or ‘season’. And I’ve never been one for processing in the most healthy ways when in transition. My favorite is to numb and try and fill the void of pain, or sadness I feel with other things that keep me occupied.
yikes..yeah I said it. One thing CGA taught me was to be self-aware and not shy away from the truth. I know I don’t process well normally but I’m not going to hide behind a blog and make up something that isn’t true about how well I handle change. This is me. It’s real and messy and uncomfortable. But it’s where I am and and I am learning everyday how to grow from my current circumstances to be a better version of myself.
So. I have experienced a lot in the past 18 months and most the time I get these big open-ended questions like “How has your time been?” “What’s the biggest thing you’ve learned or will walk away with?” And honestly I haven’t stopped to take time and think about these questions because it’s so hard, nearly impossible, to narrow it down to one single answer. But tonight I think I figured mine out. I figured out what changed me the most and what I want to do with that.
The. American. Church.
The watered down, Sunday school, Jesus answers, all put together meetings/concerts in a building filled with crazy lights and fog machines and a man standing on a stage giving you 3 simple easy steps to change your life.
I am so over it. I am over getting together once a week with people and faking to have all my stuff together. I am over the same being done to me. I am over the talk about how easy it is to follow Jesus, all you need is a little discipline and just go for it.
I’m sorry but what about the times of suffering Jesus endured. What about the times when He felt betrayed or hurt. What about His grief and pain. Jesus was not all unicorns and rainbows, feeding 5,000 and healing people. He was tested and tried. He cried out to God and begged for another way. He had meaningful, deep, REAL conversations with His disciples and with GOD. So why, do we, the American People feel the need to put on a show for each other let alone God. Do we really think God gives a damn if the lighting is perfect during worship or if you are going to church every Sunday.
No. The answer is no.
Because you can go to church on Sunday and still not show up. He wants you to show up. Show up for Him. Show up for others around you.
We get so caught up in the details that we forget to sit at His feet like Mary. We forget that He wants us for our real selves, all of who we are. The ugly, the mean, the nasty, and hateful, and unforgiving, the using, the kind, the humble, the loving, the serving, the daughter, the son, the made worthy. Following Jesus isn’t about discipline and how well I (you) can do something to get to the point of contentment or having more of Him. It’s about sacrifice and letting go of the control and idea that I can do anything on my own. Because I will fail on my own every time. And that’s where we mess up as an American Church every time. We think if I was just disciplined and worked hard at getting this many people to church and made it aesthetically pleasing then more would come and we would grow and ultimately glory to God!
But in reality God wants us to sacrifice what we want and desire and give it all up to Him and then He blesses. He doesn’t need a fancy building or a big band, just willing hearts, genuine hearts.
If there is one thing I am taking with me when walking away from the world race and cga, it’s that I am not settling. I know what genuine faith looks like and I know what genuine community looks like and I will not settle for anything less than that to clinch my thirst for growth, love, accountability, life, and much more.
join me in prayer of our church and community for more real-ness and more sacrifice
