I normally am pretty good with words and expressing them. Ask any one of my family members that watched me as a child; I was not afraid to show my emotion or tell you bluntly what those emotions were. Whether I was pissed and would punch my sister knocking the wind out of her (ask Keely Doyle she tells the best version of that story) or I was wailing my screams as my grandmother was trying to bring the groceries in, even up to when I was in middle school/highschool and I would crawl into bed and just lay with my momma.
I am pretty self aware and know how to name my feelings and figure out my triggers. But recently that has not been the case. When I got off the field and saw my family for the first time in 9 months and Niko (my nephew) the first time ever I cried. But after that it took me 3 whole weeks to shed a tear. And if you know me well that is NOT me. I cry all the time, I am an emotional wreck 80% of the time. I am known as the “cry baby” of my family…
So why am I so numb and have a lack of emotion since being home? I am grieving deeply and transitioning from such a different life to America (yes it takes more than 2 months to transition from a whole year in another country) but in such a different way than I ever have before. And I physically don’t know how to respond.
Even since being down in Gainesville I have had a hard time with feeling the harder emotions like sadness and anger. And you might be asking yourself, Drew why the HECK do you wanna feel those things? Well because when I feel those things I am reminded of who I am and where I am. I am put back inside my body like I am an actual person. And when I don’t I can get into the habit of feeling like a zombie. Like who I am is too much or not enough. That I am being dramatic or fake. That I don’t have real issues and I should shove rather than pull my emotions out, name them, and deal with them. It becomes really easy for me to coast.
So yup. I am feeling stuck. And I am having a hard time trying to figure out what to do.
If you have suggestions please leave a comment or send me a private message.
As for the rest of my time, it has been really good. I love Georgia and if the Lord asks me to move here longterm I would. I adore my community and classes are BOMB. Giving me such realistic ways to process and do soul care. Specifically we have been navigating ourselves with tools like Myers Briggs personality tests and the Enneagram map. All these taught to us by professionals who know there stuff it has been so good!
And finally with some EXCITING news… MY MOMMA IS COMING DOWN!!!!
Yup!!! We are having a parents weekend the weekend of my birthday (wow cool coincidence) and she is coming down! She will be learning all about the program from a parental view and she gets to stay in a mansion that is used as an air-b&b that AIM rented out for the weekend, so thats fun!
Well folks, thanks for reading and keeping updated with all the happenings of my life. If you want more updates leave your email in the comments and I will subscribe you to my Newsletters. Also if you have advice leave a comment as well!
much love
